Story & Screenplay by Simon Ludgate

 

August, 2010

 

Revised

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

+44 (0)7836 260405

Writers Guild America (West) No 461337

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT.   A CLEARING IN A THICK FOREST.   DAY

 

CAPTION: SOMWHERE IN ENGLAND.   753 AD.

 

 

A scene of perfect harmony. Leafy trees wave lazily in the warm summer breeze. A SQUIRREL forages for nuts.

 

Two FOXES trot perkily through the clearing. A WOODPECKER with a brilliant turquoise plume drills noisily.

 

Copper BEECH TREES sprinkle fat golden leaves onto the forest floor. The crystal air is sharp and appealing.

 

A SOLDIER ANT the size of a man’s thumb weaves busily along a fallen tree with a giant piece of green foliage clamped in its jaws. The sweet sound of birdsong echoes to and fro amongst the tall trees.

 

A GIRL, though we think she might be a boy, aged around 20, wanders into the clearing. She is wearing a knight’s practice armour made from leather and animal hides, a wooden sword, breastplate, helmet and visor.

 

She pokes the leaves with her sword, then begins to fence with an imaginary opponent. She is handy.

 

GIRL

Surrender, varlet! I am Tomasina, sister of Edmund de Moutier, knight of King Arthur’s round table. Surrender your arms before you force me to kill you!

 

In the middle of the clearing, ten feet above where TOMASINA is practicing her sword skills, a bright point of light appears.

 

It grows larger and reveals it has a black centre, like a small planet hovering in mid air.

 

A deep sticky whooshing noise, as if someone is slowly pulling the top off a jar of treacle grows louder as the disk becomes three feet in diameter.

 

The sound attracts TOMASINA’s attention. She looks up then backs slowly to the cover of the trees at the side of the clearing.

 

The hole grows to a width of twenty feet and we see a tall, bald MAN standing patiently inside it. His skin is so white, he is almost albino. The effect of the hole in the air is that of looking at a mirror but seeing a different reflection to the one you expect.

 

TOMASINA rips off her helmet to reveal her noble features which are framed with shoulder-length blonde hair.

 

Behind the man, floating in mid-air, are fir trees and a brightly-lit building with “DICK’S DINER” flashing in neon on its roof. An assortment of pick-ups are parked outside.

 

The hole, which has now developed a fluid, copper coloured lip around its edge, grows until it touches the ground. The whooshing noise is awesomely loud. The animals in the forest are spooked and flit away.

 

The man steps through the hole into the clearing. The doorway in the air behind him abruptly closes up like the iris of an old camera and the deafening noise is chopped off, leaving a rolling growl of thunder reverberating through the forest.

 

The man is six feet four. He has weird, pale skin and his bald head shines in the bright sunlight. His eyes are watery blue and so light they are almost see-thru.

 

He adjusts the clasp on a billowing black cloak and fingers a brilliant gold and diamond amulet round his neck. His fingers are long and bony, like spider’s legs.

 

He produces a small jewel-encrusted casket from within the palms of his hands. He closes his watery eyes and is still.

 

A beat.

 

A small bead of sweat appears on his shiny forehead and trickles down his face.

 

There is a faint crack and a seam of red appears across the top of his head. The tip of a horn pokes through the skull followed by bristly hair.

 

The entire skull splits open, then the neck and upper body, to reveal a gigantic head. The CREATURE which emerges from the man grows rapidly upwards until it is fifty feet tall.

 

It has a long snout and hundreds of shark-like teeth. Its eyes smolder with a red glare.

 

Once the transformation is complete, the man’s body is shed like a snake skin and flops to the leafy floor.

 

The creature closely resembles the mythical dragons of medieval folklore. It sucks in a huge breath then exhales again.

 

A massive fiery tongue of flame hurtles from its mouth and nostrils and engulfs an area the size of a house in a huge ball of flame.

 

It unfurls two immense leathery wings and starts to flap with slow, powerful beats which bend the trees in a rhythmic arc. The wings increase speed until the creature lifts off and flies into the perfect blue sky.

 

There is absolute silence. Gradually the sounds of the forest return and it is as if the terrifying transformation had never taken place.

 

TOMASINA has seen everything. She stands and stares dumbstruck at the space which the dragon has just left.

 

A beat.

 

She turns on her heel and dashes away into the forest, leaving her sword and helmet lying on the grass.

 

 

EXT. A SAXON VILLAGE. DAY

 

A group of ten huts constructed from loosely thatched straw and branches huddle together in a clearing. Fifty or so VILLAGERS go about their business plucking chickens, unloading vegetables, scraping animal skins and tending to fires.

 

Strange and slightly revolting items of doubtful origin are tipped into a boiling pot.

 

TOMASINA bursts at full pelt into the clearing, panting hard. She weaves her way as fast as she can through the huts. She collides with a fat WOMAN carrying a water pitcher and they roll over.

 

She picks herself up and runs for it, leaving the woman shouting angrily at her back.

 

Finally, she reaches a hut and careers, still terrified from what she has just seen, into the interior gloom.

 

 

 

INT. HUT. DAY.

 

TOMASINA skitters to a halt in the centre of the hut which is dark except for bright shafts of light that penetrate the tatty skins stretched across the windows.

 

The remains of a party are strewn around the hut. It is a mess. A chair is tipped over on its side. Another is shattered into firewood. Half-eaten crusts, gnawed bones of meat and crude pottery utensils are scattered everywhere.

 

A pile of animal hides heaves untidily in one corner at the sound of TOMASINA’s noisy entrance. Two heads poke out blearily.

 

One belongs to TOMASINA’s mother ANNABEL, a blonde, brittley attractive woman, the other to GARFATH, her boyfriend, a swarthy, muscular man with an enormous bushy moustache.

 

TOMASINA

Mother! I have seen a dragon in the forest! We must warn Edmund!

 

ANNABEL

How dare you disturb us at this hour, you little vermin!

 

ANNABEL and GARFATH untangle themselves from each other and the animal hides and advance threateningly towards TOMASINA in their nightclothes.

 

GARFATH

You’re just the same as your brother! Always poking your nose in where it ain’t wanted! Well, Uncle Garfath has got just the remedy.

 

GARFATH picks up a leather belt from the floor and coils one end round his pudgy fist. At the sight of the belt, TOMASINA shrinks into the corner, her eyes shining with terror.

 

ANNABEL

(laughs cruelly)

That’s right, Garfath.  Give her the hiding the lying little runt deserves. Teach her to barge in on people when she’s not wanted!

 

TOMASINA

Why do you hate me so, Mother?

 

 

 

ANNABEL

Because you remind me so much of your idiot brother, that’s why. Go on, Garfath, what are you waiting for?

 

GARFATH lunges at TOMASINA with the belt and lashes her across the back and arms. TOMASINA doesn’t make a sound, but curls up into a ball in the corner to protect herself while her MOTHER looks on, smiling with sadistic satisfaction.

 

 

 

EXT. EDMUND’S HUT. DAY.

 

EDMUND de MOUTIER throws back the flap of animal hide which acts as a door to his hut. He is a down at heel knight.

 

He wears a battered breastplate with a broken strap on one side tied up with string. His clothes have the general air of shoddiness.

 

It is easy to see he and TOMASINA are brother and sister, as the young woman is the spitting image of her brother.

 

EDMUND has the same chiseled features as his sister, a determined cleft chin and shoulder length blonde hair.

 

His handsome face has been assaulted by the effects of too much wine the previous night and, combined with three days’ growth of stubble, lend him a dissolute air.

 

The same fat WOMAN who collided with TOMASINA bustles past carrying a pitch of water.

 

EDMUND

Florence, have you seen Tomasina?

 

FLORENCE

Last I saw of ‘er, she was tearing round the village in that daft outfit you made ‘er. Girl her age should be kept more of an eye on, if you ask me!

 

 

EDMUND turns angrily and strides off. CRASH! He trips over a short figure and they TUMBLE.

 

They roll to a halt. It is BLINI. Hump-backed, five feet tall, rotting teeth, with an overpowering smell of fish, BLINI is loathed and reviled by everyone.

 

He is a fishmonger by trade, hence the reek of decomposition, but he is also a debt collector and money lender on the side.

 

BLINI

How fortunate I should bump into you, Edmund. I was just on my way to see you anyway.

 

EDMUND

(angry)

What do you want of me, you(sniffs) stinking scumbag?

 

BLINI

(wheedling)

Wow, who got out of bed the wrong side this morning? I’m sure it has escaped your majestic, dragon-slaying memory, but there is the matter of a loan of five pieces of gold I made to you before you left on your most recent and most pathetic little adventure.

 

EDMUND

Oh, that.

 

BLINI

(mimicking)

Oh, that. Yes, that. And I’m calling in the loan… if your smarty pants graciousness would be so kind.

 

EDMUND turns and strides off, eager to rid himself of the loathsome hunch-back.

 

 

BLINI (cont)

(hopping to keep up)

It’s no good walking away from me, Edmund. I know you’re considered the local hero and they French kiss the ground you walk on, but debts are debts.

EDMUND

Get away from me, you blood-sucking little runt. I have matters far more important to attend than your trifling loans. I am late for an appointment with Arthur and the other knights to learn his decision regarding my divorce from Maxine.

 

BLINI

(consults filthy piece of paper)

According to my records, you owe me forty pieces of gold to date for underwriting these ridiculous antics of yours.

 

EDMUND

(stops dead)

FORTY!! But you’ve only lent me twenty.

 

BLINI

Ever heard of interest? Do you have any idea what the price of gold has done since you first came to me?

 

EDMUND

(raises eyes)

Here we go again.

 

BLINI

It went right through the roof and didn’t make a touchdown until it landed on the heads of those silly Saracens you wasted so much time hacking to death … I want my money, Eddie and I want it now.

 

EDMUND collides with a stack of caged chickens which he sends flying in a cloud of indignantly clucking feathers.

 

 

EDMUND

I will get you your gold, you – you boil!

 

BLINI

Oh yeah, how? And more importantly, when?

 

EDMUND

Have you no pity? When all this stuff with my wife is sorted out. I should have known better than to marry someone related to you in the first place.

 

BLINI

Hey! Leave my daughter out of this! If it wasn’t for her I would never have loaned you the money.

 

EDMUND

Oh, OH! Such a hardship for you! You must have enough gold hoarded now to start your own country. Why do you need to continue to bother me?

 

BLINI

Sorry, Eddie I don’t buy it. You’ve laid this one on me too many times. Life goes on and I WANT MY MONEY!

 

EDMUND

I will get you your money, Blini. But after I have rid myself of your daughter. (Grabs BLINI’s smock-front). I want you to know I loathe every bone in your foul-smelling body and I will personally see to it when I return from my meeting with the King and the Round Table that you never lend another groat.

 

BLINI

Oh, listen to the big man scare me! Boy, am I trembling! What you fail to grasp, muscles, is that people need me. I make things tick. No loot, no shoot. Understand? You, with your tin suit and dragon salami. Give me a break.

 

EDMUND releases his hold on BLINI and stamps off in frustration and anger.

 

 

INT. KING ARTHUR’S ROUND TABLE. DAY.

 

EDMUND bursts into a huge, vaulted room. A circle of eleven armour-clad knights clank their heads round to see who is the source of the disturbance. If they could, the knights would all drive Range Rovers and own black Labradors called Benjy. One place, EDMUND’s, is empty.

 

Seated at the far end of the massive circular oak table is KING ARTHUR. The red cross of St George is in bright contrast to his pristine white smock covering a suit of chain mail.

 

He is a venerable gentleman of sixty years or more, well past his fighting prime.

 

On his right is a shadowy form in a black cape with a white beard which extends over his chest. This is MERLIN, a magical enigmatic figure.

 

EDMUND steps forward uncertainly to face the KING from the other side of the table. He sees his wife MAXINE hanging back in the shadows to the left of the KING. Next to her is GARFATH, her step father. Sort of.

 

The underlying nastiness of MAXINE’s nature shows in the cruel sneer of her full lips. GARFATH strokes her long black hair in a proprietorial fashion.

 

KING ARTHUR leans forward on the table which is painted in black and white segments, like a monochrome orange.

 

 

 

KING ARTHUR

So, de Moutier. You finally deign to show up. Late night was it?

 

Suppressed sniggers from around the table.

 

EDMUND

May it please your grace, but I was celebrating our successful chasing off of the last dragon with my men and –

 

IST KNIGHT

Chasing off! What kind of knight “chases” his enemies? You were supposed to kill the thing, not frighten it! What a weed!

 

2ND KNIGHT

Aye. Seems his mother prefers the blacksmith’s bellows to her own husband’s too, not to mention his nearly ex-wife.

 

The KNIGHTS roar with laughter like a clutch of unruly schoolboys. EDMUND half draws his sword in anger. The 1^ST KNIGHT copies his move. They stare pure hatred at one another. KING ARTHUR waves their weapons away impatiently.

 

KING ARTHUR

Please, Gentlemen! Oh yes, de Moutier. I heard about that. Apparently, you managed to lose eight –

 

MERLIN

Nine, your grace.

 

KING ARTHUR

What’s that?

 

MERLIN

It killed nine men, not eight.

 

KING ARTHUR

Thank you Merlin. I don’t think we need bother with the finer details. You sacrificed nine good men of mine, de Moutier, in a battle against a mere dragon which you couldn’t even manage to kill successfully?

 

EDMUND

I can explain, your grace.

 

 

KING ARTHUR

I’M SURE YOU CAN, De Moutier. However, I grow weary of your excuses.  But on to more pressing matters. Namely – step forward Maxine … and you Garfath, - the subject of your wife’s plea for divorce.

 

EDMUND and MAXINE exchange a look of pure acid.

 

EDMUND

Our desire for separation is mutual, your grace.

 

MAXINE

See how he taunts me, even here!

 

EDMUND

Taunt you? ‘Tis you who has taunted me you hussy!

 

KING ARTHUR

Silence, both of you!... Because Maxine is my niece, your request must be heard here at the round table. It saddens me that it has come to this, particularly as you have the young girl – er ..

 

MERLIN

Tomasina, your grace.

 

KING ARTHUR

Will you please stop interrupting me, Merlin? It’s a very irritating habit. Tomasina, your sister and therefore my great niece, must be considered.

 

MAXINE

I have no wish to have that throwback anywhere near me a moment longer than I have to. She reminds me too much of the brother.

 

KING ARTHUR

(wearily)

State your case for the separation, Maxine. We haven’t got all day.

 

 

MAXINE

Very well, Uncle. I request absolute separation from this man –

 

MERLIN

Name?

 

MAXINE

I beg your pardon?

 

MERLIN

(flustered)

I must have his name!

EDMUND

You know my name, you old goat!

 

MERLIN

Now, now, young man, there’s no need to take that kind of attitude.

 

1^ST KNIGHT

It’s a wonder he can remember it himself, the amount of mead he drinks every night!

 

Guffaws of laughter from the knights.

 

EDMUND

(prickling)

There isn’t a man here who could beat me in combat, and you all know it.

 

2^nd KNIGHT

I’m afraid your capabilities are not what they were, Edmund. The demon drink has seen to that.

 

EDMUND bounds round the table and grabs a handful of the 2^ND KNIGHT’s chain mail covering his chest and yanks the knight’s face to within a hair’s breadth of his own.

 

EDMUND

Would you like me to tell everyone here what you did when we were confronted with that dragon outside York?

 

 

2^ND KNIGHT

What on Earth are you talking about? Everyone knows I helped slaughter it.

 

EDMUND

Do they indeed? And who told them that?

 

2^ND KNIGHT

It’s your word against mind, old boy. With your favour at it’s present level, I wouldn’t want to press the point, if I were you.

 

KING ARTHUR

THAT’S ENOUGH! I will not have knights of the round table squabbling like children. Let’s get this over with. Maxine?

 

MAXINE

This man is a drunkard, who beats his wife whenever he is under the influence of the mead. He is a womanizer and a pauper who has no right to sit at this table.

 

KING ARTHUR

Do not overstep your position, my girl. I will decide who is and who is not fit to be a member of the round table.

 

EDMUND leans forward on the table from where he stands by the oak doors.

 

 

EDMUND

What’s this? I thought I had come here to rid myself of her (stabs an accusing finger at MAXINE), not have my place at the table debated like some lottery prize.

 

KING ARTHUR turns to MERLIN and has a very brief whispered consultation. As MERLIN bends his ear to the KING’s whispered words, he looks up at EDMUND and winks conspiratorially at him. MERLIN nods gravely. Satisfied, KING ARTHUR turns his attention again to EDMUND.

 

KING ARTHUR

My boy, I’m afraid there is a level of behaviour I expect from the men who sit at this table. Drunken womanizing can be … tolerated on a limited basis. Wife-beating cannot and neither can continued financial impecuniary. Honestly, look at you! You have let yourself go to a shameful extent.

 

EDMUND

But your grace, I am the only commoner here who has to work for a living. The crop has failed again this year. My dress does not affect my ability to fight -

 

KING ARTHUR raises a hand.

 

KING ARTHUR

The Round Table expects certain standards. I was advised against making you a knight in the first place, but I thought you might come to something. Alas, that has not proved to be the case. I gather you owe my detestable illegitimate brother sixty gold pieces.

 

EDMUND

Twenty!

MAXINE

Sixty – add liar to the list!

 

EDMUND

This has always been the way, hasn’t it? I am the only knight here who does not receive an income from their land or their families … who has come up the hard way. I was made a knight on the strength of my abilities as a soldier and leader of men –

 

3^RD KNIGHT

Oh yes - Leader of men to their deaths!

 

More sniggering from the knights.

 

EDMUND

As a leader of men and voice of the people…

 

3^RD KNIGHT

Yes, a voice of which I have grown tired.

 

KING ARTHUR rises to his feet.

 

KING ARTHUR (solemn)

Edmund de Moutier – I hereby declare you divorced from Maxine. You will pay her two gold coins per month and vacate your family home, leaving all its contents intact. Maxine will have custody of your sister Tomasina, until you can prove you are able to care for her, as that is Maxine’s wish. Finally, I am relinquishing you of your right to sit at the round table and to carry arms as a knight of the crown until such time that you prove to our satisfaction that you are fit to do so.

 

EDMUND is too stunned to say anything at first. MAXINE claps her hands together and laughs triumphantly. GARFATH, her MOTHER’S boyfriend, embraces her in a meaty, less than paternal, hug.

 

 

 

 

3^RD KNIGHT

(mocking)

A failed knight! Oh dear! HOW embarrassing!

 

EDMUND

I have just this to say. One day I will prove how unjust this is and I will return to claim the seat at this table which is mine by right.

 

EDMUND turns and with a flourish of his long, tatty cape makes his exit through the heavy oak doors which are swung slowly open by the guards.

 

 

EXT. FOREST TRACK. DAY

 

 

EDMUND thunders in anger along the track on his white horse. Ahead of him he suddenly sees the diminutive figure of TOMASINA half running, half limping toward him along the path.

 

EDMUND reins his charging horse to a halt, leaps lightly to the ground and runs to his sister. His eyes take in the dull red weals across TOMASINA’s arms.

 

EDMUND

Tomasina! What’s happened? Did Garfath and your Mother do this to you?

 

TOMASINA nods miserably.

EDMUND

They’ll die for what they’ve done I’ll see to that.

 

TOMASINA throws her arms round EDMUND’s neck.

 

TOMASINA

Oh, Edmund, I’m so glad I found you. I went out to practice in the forest and I saw something terrible, awful.

 

 

EDMUND

What was it? What did you see?

 

TOMASINA

It was a dragon.

 

EDMUND recoils with excitement and balls a fist into the palm of his hand.

 

EDMUND

Another one! Did it hurt you?

 

TOMASINA

It didn’t see me. It just flew away. But something very strange happened.

 

EDMUND

What?

 

TOMASINA

It appeared from nowhere in the shape of a tall, pale man.

 

EDMUND

I don’t understand. Never mind – explain it to me later. In fact I’ve some explaining to do of my own. We must go to the hunting hide for a few days. Come on!

 

EDMUND jumps into the saddle and swings her up behind him. Digging his spurs into the horse’s flanks, EDMUND urges his mount away along the trail.

 

 

EXT. HUNTING HIDE. NIGHT.

 

The hunting hide is a lean-to built into a gentle slope. It is almost indistinguishable from the surrounding trees and bushes, despite the bright glow from the full moon.

 

As we track in, we see a single candle burning inside. EDMUND’s white horse is just visible in a camouflaged make-shift stable.

Inside the lean-to, EDMUND and TOMASINA sit at a rickety table which supports the single flickering candle.

 

EDMUND

… so we have to stay here until I can figure out what to do.

 

TOMASINA

That’s just fine with me. (A tear glistens on her cheek.) Mom doesn’t like me anyway. She never did. She says – said – I looked too much like you and dad. Did she ever show any love to you?

 

EDMUND

Once, I guess. Maybe she did. But things change. People too. I’m sorry I’ve let you down, kid. 

 

TOMASINA gets up, walks round the table, buries her face in EDMUND’s chest and hugs him.

 

TOMASINA

Don’t say that. You’re the best brother in the world and I love you. People are just cruel. Don’t worry, I won’t let anyone hurt you.

 

EDMUND fights to hold back his own tears and loses.

 

EDMUND

That’s right, Tomasina. As long as we have each other, no one can take that away from us. It’s just been a bad day.

 

EDMUND regains his composure and gently eases the girl’s head away from his chest. He studies the open, honest face earnestly.

 

EDMUND

(cont)

What did you say about the dragon appearing from nowhere and that stuff about there being a pale man?

 

 

TOMASINA

When I was playing in a clearing a sort of hole appeared in the air above me. I could see a man in the middle of it, then he stepped out. My heart was beating so loud I thought he’d hear it for sure and kill me.

 

EDMUND

What did he look like?

 

TOMASINA

He was tall and very …

 

VOICE

… white?

 

EDMUND and TOMASINA jump a foot in the air with fright. EDMUND draws his sword from its scabbard.

 

 

EDMUND

Who’s out there? Show yourself.

 

A tall man in a long black cape appears in the doorway, silhouetted against the bright moonlight. TOMASINA sees the amulet which glints in the light from the candle.

 

It is the same as the diamond and gold amulet worn round the neck of the man who stepped out of the hole in the air.

 

TOMASINA

It’s him!

 

EDMUND

Who?

 

TOMASINA

The pale man!

 

EDMUND leaps up and is about to thrust his sword through the chest of the stranger when he moves further into the light to reveal his identity – MERLIN!

 

MERLIN

Now is that any way to greet a friend?

 

EDMUND recoils, confused. TOMASINA hangs back, regarding MERLIN suspiciously.

 

EDMUND

What are you doing out here? How did you find us?

 

VOICE

I told him.

 

BLINI, smiling happily, shoves past the billowing folds of the wizard’s cloak.

 

EDMUND

You! Why?

 

BLINI holds up a small leather pouch and jingles it merrily.

BLINI

My favourite reason. Good to see you, ex-brother in law. Now I must be going.

 

MERLIN

No so fast, shorty. You may wish to spend the rest of the night here with us after you hear what I have to tell Edmund.

 

EDMUND

You’ve frightened the life out of me once already, is there more?

 

MERLIN

There is something you should know, Edmund. May I?

 

MERLIN indicates one of the vacated chairs.

 

EDMUND nods and gestures for them both to sit down.

 

MERLIN looks at TOMASINA, then questioningly at EDMUND, who waves away his unspoken question.

 

EDMUND

Say what you have to say. The girl is almost a woman now – she should listen to manly talk.

 

MERLIN

Have it your way. It is about the girl I must speak.

 

EDMUND

What? If you intend to try and take her from me in order that that old witch of a mother can beat her again, ‘twill be over my dead body!

 

TOMASINA instinctively moves over to her brother’s side and holds his arm.

 

MERLIN

No … no… Nothing of the sort. It is something far more serious, more … dangerous. And it is something which you must confront soon… perhaps this very night.

 

BLINI

Will you get on with it? I don’t wanna sit here longer than I haveta!

 

MERLIN

All right, all right. I’ll come to the point. The girl is in danger, terrible danger.

 

EDMUND

Why? – Who from?

 

MERLIN closes his eyes and sucks in his breath dramatically.

 

MERLIN

There is evil afoot tonight, the most powerful I have ever experienced (opens eyes and exhales) … by the way, Edmund, I did you a considerable favour with that Maxine creature, dreadful woman. Sorry about losing your place at the table – nothing I could do … particularly nasty element has crept into the King’s closest circle, I –

 

EDMUND impatiently twirls a dagger on its top.

 

EDMUND

Will you please try to keep to the point?!

 

MERLIN

Sorry, my mind does wander so easily these days. Where was I?

 

BLINI

Evil afoot?

 

MERLIN

Oh, yes. When I first sensed his presence, I wasn’t sure if it indeed was who I feared. Now I am certain. He has returned!

 

They all look blank.

 

EDMUND

Who has?

 

MERLIN looks indignant.

 

MERLIN

The Pale Man of course!

 

TOMASINA pulls at EDMUND’s cape excitedly.

 

TOMASINA

That must be who I saw this afternoon

 

EDMUND grasps TOMASINA’s slender arms and looks earnestly into her eyes.

 

EDMUND

How can you know that?

 

TOMASINA

The man I saw was so pale he looked like an albino – the Pale Man! Besides, Edmund, anyone who appears out of the sky then turns into a dragon isn’t out for a boar hunt.

 

BLINI

Good to see the kid got the mother’s brains.

 

MERLIN

A dragon, you say? Then that explains much.

 

BLINI

Not to me it don’t. Men turning into dragons – what a crock!

 

The breeze through the improvised window gathers strength slightly, making the candle flicker, casting weirdly-distorted shadows across the faces of the little group huddled round the table.

 

 

MERLIN

Listen to me very carefully. The Pale Man is a wizard like me. He and I have clashed horns, oh … on many occasions in many different lands and he, like me, has the gift of time travel. He is a soul stealer who delights in terrifying his victims by appearing in the form they fear most before stripping them of their souls to bolster his dwindling power. He and I are like two sides of the same pebble, one representing good, the other evil.

 

EDMUND

Is this Pale Man the dragon I have been pursuing for so long?

 

MERLIN

Yes, Yes. And the reason he has appeared near here so frequently is because of the girl.

 

EDMUND

The girl?

 

MERLIN

She is a channel for energy. It’s a gift, or a curse, depending how you look at it, which some are born with. Essential if you want to become a wizard.

 

TOMASINA

I’m going to be a wizard?

 

MERLIN fingers the amulet around his neck.

 

MERLIN

You have the ability. Apprentices are a valuable commodity. Every wizard yearns for a vessel into which they may pour their knowledge when they are spent. Like me, and here’s the irony of it, time is running out for the Pale Man. He has sensed Tomasina’s gift while traveling through this time zone and is now looking for her. You must protect her or the wizard will snatch away that which he now wishes to possess.

 

EDMUND’s horse whinnies nervously.

 

BLINI

I don’t get it. How do you know all this stuff?

 

MERLIN

Because I am a wizard, you stump.

 

BLINI

Oh sure. Well, I ain’t convinced.

 

There is a sudden draft of air from the window and the candle is snuffed out, leaving them sitting in darkness. The bright moonlight illuminates the trees in stark black silhouettes.

 

BLINI

Will someone light that candle.

 

CRASH! A huge snout slams through the window, followed by a huge bellow of flame which melts the candle and incinerates most of the table. Then it goes black, in the darkness, two six inch orbs glow red like hot coals as the dragon’s eyes search for its prey. Backing frantically into the corners as far as they can, EDMUND, TOMASINA, BLINI and MERLIN watch in terror as the dragon’s snout reverses through the window to be replaced by a three fingered claw which gropes blindly around until it finds TOMASINA.

 

The fingers, which are a foot thick and three feet long, entwine themselves around a frantically struggling TOMASINA and lift her with a surgeon’s delicacy through the window.

 

EDMUND

Tommy!

 

EDMUND jams his dagger into one retreating finger in desperation and there is a roar.

 

EDMUND

So, it can be hurt!

 

MERLIN

Get out of here, quickly.

 

 

EXT. LEAN-TO. NIGHT.

 

EDMUND, BLINI and MERLIN crash right through the flimsy brushwood walls and roll away down the slope. As they tumble over and over, the dragon incinerates the lean-to with a massive blast of fire from its gaping mouth and enormous nostrils.

 

EDMUND’s horse screams with fear and bursts from its hiding place. It canters blindly in a circle until it hears EDMUND whistle and homes in on the sound.

 

EDMUND, MERLIN and BLINI roll to a halt. They drag themselves uncertainly to their feet in time to see the dragon unfurl its leathery wing and flap into the clear night air, still clutching TOMASINA, whose shouts of anger can be heard above the crackling flames consuming the lean-to.

 

MERLIN

I think I know where he’s going.

 

EDMUND

The village! Come on!

 

EDMUND collects his wildly-jinking horse and swings into the saddle. MERLIN and BLINI untether their horses, which are bucking and whinnying with fear.

 

BLINI’s horse rears up and throws him. Galvanised by sheer terror, BLINI jumps straight back into the saddle and clings on desperately. EDMUND wheels his horse round and urges her down the slope in the same direction as the DRAGON. The others follow him.

 

 

EXT. FOREST TRACK. NIGHT

 

EDMUND and MERLIN gallop at full stretch along the forest track, followed erratically by BLINI whose riding style would be more suited to donkey rides on a beach. They duck to avoid low hanging branches. EDMUND leads and urges his horse to leap a brook which crosses the track.

 

MERLIN follows suit successfully, but BLINI’s feet come out of his stirrups and he is nearly unseated. He clings on desperately until he regains his footing.

 

Silhouetted in the moonlit sky above them they see the DRAGON flapping relentlessly toward the village.

 

 

EXT. BRIDGE. NIGHT

 

A cart full of drunken PEASANTS is slowly pulled by an old horse across a dilapidated wooden bridge. Fifty feet below them, a deep river runs along the bottom on the gorge. The peasants sing a song to which no one can remember the same words.

 

Combined with their sleepy, haphazard attempts at a song, the clop-clop of the horse’s hooves and the friendly chirruping of the crickets mingle prettily with the sound of running water.

 

As they approach the end of the bridge, their drunken reverie is abruptly interrupted by the arrival of a huge, flapping black shadow which appears round a rock outcrop over the track. It swoops just a few feet over their heads, terrifying the horse, then it is gone. The horse, scared witless, rears up and crashes down with its hooves several times on the frail boards of the bridge, dislodging some of them into the water far below.

 

The driver struggles drunkenly to bring the horse under control. Finally, the horse calms down.

 

The collective sigh of relief freezes in the throats of the passengers in the cart when they hear an ominous creaking, followed by splashes as more wood hits the water.

 

No one moves a muscle.

 

A beat.

 

The driver cracks the whip over the horse a fraction of a second too late.

 

The horse leaps forward, tearing itself free from its traces, and scrabbles onto the bank as the bridge gives way, dropping the cart and its contents into the water far below.

 

As the rest of the rotten wood from the bridge cascades onto the melee in the water, EDMUND, MERLIN and BLINI career at full tilt round the same corner on the track as the dragon.

 

Seeing the bridge has gone, they scrabble to a halt, barely avoiding plunging into the gorge themselves.

 

BLINI

Oh well – I guess that’s it. Someone else will just have to save the village. Come on, boy.   Giddyup now.

 

BLINI starts to turn his horse to retrace their steps back along the path.

 

Edmund snatches the horse’s halter and stops the hunchback’s retreat.

 

EDMUND

No so fast, lumpish one.  Tonight is your chance to put right all your thieving misdeeds. There is another way. Follow me!

 

EDMUND spins his lathering horse round, digs in his spurs and charges off along a track running along the edge of the gorge which is almost obscured totally by the undergrowth.

 

BLINI immediately tries to make his escape.

 

MERLIN passes a hand through the air in a strange gesture and a bolt of blue energy crackles from his hand and strikes the rump of the horse which whinnies in surprise, turns through ninety degrees, and heads after EDMUND.

 

BLINI

Whoa, boy. Goddamit! Heel, you asshole!

 

MERLIN sets off after them with his black cloak billowing like a clipper’s foresail. As MERLIN accelerates along the path, he fails to see a low branch which hits him hard on the head.

 

Unseen by the others, he crashes to the ground and lies still.

 

 

EXT. THE VILLAGE. NIGHT.

 

Bathed in the pale white light of the full moon, the VILLAGE is still. A dog yaps squeakily. There is a nervous whinnying from the horses tethered at their posts.

 

The half dozen cattle in their pen stand stock still. Suddenly they spook at exactly the same moment and crush into one corner of the pen.

 

The DRAGON burses from the forest, still clutching TOMASINA. It engulfs part of the VILLAGE with fire from its jaws and crushes huts and people beneath its huge hooves.

 

With terrifying speed, it moves through the village, slashing, roasting and chomping.

 

The DRAGON systematically lifts the roof off the huts, one by one, and kills the occupants. The last hut is GARFATH’S. With a giant three fingered hand we see it pull out ANNABEL and GARFATH. They are wrapped naked together in an animal hide.

 

The DRAGON slowly squeezes them to death as they scream in fear, desperation and pain.

 

The DRAGON is not satisfied until every living thing has been killed and the whole village is a blackened, burning wreck.

 

It crunches around in the smoking debris looking for anything it might have missed. Its breath whooshes in and out and smoke curls lazily from its nostrils.

 

It flicks TOMASINA in the side of the head just hard enough to knock her out, then places the girl carefully on the grass.

 

The DRAGON stands stock still and we see it perform the exact reverse of its original transformation as it converts back into the Pale Man.

 

THE PALE MAN

Ahhh … that is SO much better. Now to work!

 

THE PALE MAN produces a small gold CASKET from the folds of his cloak and strides toward a natural grassy knoll in the centre of the remains of the VILLAGE.

 

As he does so, he trips over a blackened box which tips over, spilling gold and precious stones on the ground.

 

THE PALE MAN bends down to inspect the hoard.

 

THE PALE MAN

My, my. Someone has been saving their pennies.

 

He rolls a diamond thoughtfully in the palm of his hand, then gathers up the rest, closes the charred lid and carries the box under his arm.

 

As he reaches the top of the knoll, he flips open the lid of the gold casket and waits. Slowly, spectral forms begin to rise up from the bodies sprawled around the VILLAGE. The glowing white shapes are drawn toward the Pale Man’s waiting open casket.

 

In ones, twos and whole groups, the white outlines are all sucked into the box. When the last spirit has been vacuumed neatly up, the PALE MAN snaps the casket shut and slips it into his cloak.

 

He makes a circular gesture with his right hand in mid-air.

 

From behind the PALE MAN, a brilliant circle of copper light blinks on in mid-air. It expands rapidly to become a glittering hoop.

 

 

EXT. BEHIND A TREE. NIGHT.

 

EDMUND and BLINI are watching the PALE MAN from their hiding place and they see an unfamiliar scene of the other side of the circle.

 

There is the BAR again with “DICK’S DINER” glowing in bright blue neon above it in front of a background of fir trees.

 

BLINI

That scuzzball’s got my stash!

 

EDMUND

Where’s Merlin?

 

BLINI

Who cares? That thieving low-life’s got his paws on my life-savings.

 

THE PALE MAN bounds down the slope and picks up the unconscious body of TOMASINA, heaves her over his shoulder, and with her gripped with one arm and the BOX with the other, he strides back up the slope and disappears through the hole which starts to shrink in size.

 

EDMUND and BLINI are rooted to the spot. EDMUND snaps out of it first.

 

 

EDMUND

He’s got Tomasina. I’m going after him. If you want your money back you’d better come too.

 

EDMUND tears across the clearing, takes a deep breath and disappears into the hole. BLINI hobbles after him, prepares to jump through the hole, then checks himself.

 

BLINI

I must be crazy. Why risk my neck for a lousy box of gold and diamonds? … What am I saying? That’s a great reason.

 

The hole is closing. BLINI runs frantically up and down the slope in an agony of indecision. The hole is barely five feet wide and shrinking.

 

Suddenly, BLINI makes up his mind. With a desperate hop, skip and a jump he dives for the HOLE, but misses and bounces off the band of light surrounding it.

 

Surprised, he runs back for another attempt and this time really gives it all he’s got.

 

Success! He shoots through the HOLE with inches to spare.

 

Plop! The hole is gone.

 

 

 

ZAP! A blue flash and a sound like a gunshot. EDMUND is behind the wheel of a speeding pick-up truck.

 

He is wearing a goose-down jacket, check shirt and a cowboy hat.

 

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING!

 

EDMUND

WhaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHH!

 

 

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD. NIGHT.

 

The old CHEVY BLAZER roars down the road. Totally out of control it slews from side to side, then spins twice.

 

 

INT. CHEVY BLAZER. NIGHT.

 

We see EDMUND’s foot randomly stamping on the gas then the brake.

 

He releases the WILDLY-SPINNING WHEEL and grips the dashboard.

 

 

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD. NIGHT.

 

The BLAZER hurtles past a sign which reads: “HIBBOTTSVILLE WELCOMES CAREFUL DRIVERS”. The BLAZER careers on. At the corner we see the hut with the blue light above it which reads: “DICK’S DINER”.

 

The BLAZER slams into a telephone pole and spins round once. It crashes head-on into a low concrete wall which it demolishes before coming to a halt untidily in the car park outside DICK’S DINER.

 

EDMUND is slumped unconscious over the wheel. A trickle of blood runs down his forehead and drips off the end of his nose.

 

A beat.

 

The door of the diner bursts open. A group of men rush out and run to the BLAZER. They open the driver’s door.

 

1^ST MAN

Hey, it’s Dan!

 

2^ND MAN

C’mon, Dan. Wake up … he’s hit his head by the look of things. Someone call an ambulance.

 

One of the men hurries back into the bar.

 

EDMUND

(coming round)

Tomasina!

 

2^ND MAN

Tomasina? Who’s Tomasina?

 

EDMUND

(confused)

She’s my sister … where am I?

 

1^ST MAN

Tomasina ain’t your sister man, don’t you remember? – you ain’t got no sister.

 

EDMUND

(looks down at the strange clothes)

Then who am I?

 

2^ND MAN

He’s got concussion.   Help me get him inside. Can you walk?

 

EDMUND

I – I think so.

 

Carefully, they help him out of the PICK-UP and he hobbles across the car park.

 

 

INT. DICK’S DINER. NIGHT.

 

The group of men help EDMUND through the doorway and lower him onto a bar stool. EDMUND slowly looks around him in amazement.

 

EDMUND

What is this place? An inn?

 

BARMAN

You should know by now, you come here most every day. Are you OK?

 

1^ST MAN

Take no notice, Dick. He’s got a concussion.

 

2^nd MAN

Did anyone call the ambulance.

 

3^RD MAN

Yeah, I did. It should be here any minute.

 

1^st MAN

Dan, do you wanna lie down man?

 

EDMUND

Why do you keep calling me Dan? My name is Edmund … Edmund de Moutier. And no … thank you, I do not need to lie down.

 

EDMUND rises unsteadily to his feet.

 

EDMUND notices a tall man sitting at the bar with his back to him. He has a pale, perfectly bald head. EDMUND’S eyes widen and he starts to lurch unsteadily towards the man.

 

EDMUND

What have you done with my sister and the rest of the village folk, you scum?!

 

EDMUND claps the bald man on the shoulder, spins him round on his stool and punches him in the face. But the tall, pale man who sinks unconscious to the floor is not the PALE MAN. This one has a bushy black beard.

 

EDMUND

Oops.

 

EDMUND sways once, then sinks unconscious into a crumpled heap on top of the body of the bald man.

 

 

 

EXT. DICK’S CAR PARK. NIGHT.

 

An AMBULANCE is parked up, its lights flashing. EDMUND slides on a cot through the rear doors. The MEDIVAC attendants jump in behind him and shut the doors.

 

Sirens howling, the ambulance pulls away leaving the men from the bar standing at the entrance, including the bald man with the beard, rubbing his jaw.

 

DICK

Boy, that’s the worst case of concussion I’ve ever seen.

 

 

INT. AMBULANCE. NIGHT.

 

EDMUND’s eyes open. He sees the roof of the ambulance. He looks around at all the medical gadgets and at the smiling attendants.

 

He tries to sit up but can’t due to the straps.

 

EDMUND

Let me up.

 

1^ST ATTENDANT

Please lie still, Dan

 

EDMUND

That name again, Let me up!

 

2^ND ATTENDANT

It’s for your own safety, Dan.

 

EDMUND

I’m warning you. You may be in the employ of that foul wizard, but you will regret this, I promise.

 

EDMUND struggles to break free.

 

The driver cranes his head round to speak. It’s BLINI!

 

The hump, the rotten teeth and the filth have gone, but it’s still BLINI.

 

He half turns his head to speak, without looking at EDMUND.

 

BLINI

C’mon Dan, there’s a good boy. You’ve had a nasty bang on the head and now you’re - …

 

BLINI finally shoots a glance at EDMUND and his eyes widen with surprise. EDMUND recognizes BLINI at the same instant.

 

EDMUND

Blini! Now I know this is some foul trick the pale one is playing

 

BLINI snaps round and stares fixedly through the windshield.

 

1^ST ATTENDANT

What’s he talking about, Jerry?

 

BLINI

Don’t ask me! What are you waiting for boys? Give him a shot, he’s totally flipped.

 

EDMUND

No, wait! It’s a trick.

 

The 1^st ATTENDANT produces a SYRINGE, extracts some liquid from a small PHIAL and injects it smartly into EDMUND’s arm.

 

EDMUND STRUGGLES for a few moments, then slumps unconscious.

 

 

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD. DUSK.

 

SIGMUND’S SALON AND GAS STATION is an old-style road-side gas station and general store, with a difference.

 

We see the sign over the door : “HAIRCUTS FOR THE MAN IN A HURRY”.

 

A dusty CHEVY pulls in off the road and we hear the bell ping twice as the tires run over the line. A sprightly OLD TIMER gets out.

 

We see the fly door open to reveal a tall guy, maybe six four, wearing a tee shirt with “WILD BILL” and a picture of Wild Bill Hickock on its front.

 

The owner of the tee-shirt looks just like the picture. SIGMUND GOLLANZ has long, thick hair, a neatly-trimmed beard and a waxed moustache which looks stiff enough to hang washing off.

 

GOLLANZ

(laid back)

Fill ‘er up?

 

OLD GENT

Yeah. Should get twenty gallons in there.

 

GOLLANZ clunks home the filler and the pump ticks off the gallons. He looks critically at the OLD GENT who is tired and unshaven.

 

GOLLANZ

Been on the road long?

 

OLD GENT

Yup. All my working life. And, gosh, do you know? – I still get a kick out of it.

 

GOLLANZ

That so? I meant today.  No offence, but you look like you might kinda welcome the chance to freshen up.

 

OLD GENT

What d’ya have in mind?

 

GOLLANZ

Oh, well … all depends. But I could give ya a shave, haircut. Make you feel a whole lot better.

 

OLD GENT

Sounds great.

 

They wait in silence for the tank to finish filling. A CROW flaps slowly overhead. We see telephone wires. They hum busily with hundreds of electrified voices.

 

 

EXT. SIGMUND’S GAS STATION. DUSK

 

The CROW lands on a wire and watches the OLD GENT follow GOLLANZ inside the store. The hum in the wires becomes a crackling buzz, followed by a whooshing noise like the lid of a treacle pot coming off.

 

The unexpected noise startles the CROW which launches into space.

 

 

INT. SIGMUND’S STORE. DUSK.

 

Silence. We see the OLD GENT as he settles back in a barber’s chair, almost hidden amongst the shelves piled high with groceries and knick-knacks.

 

A beautiful old grand-father clock ticks noisily.

 

We see GOLLANZ arrange a hot towel, which he takes from the big porcelain basin, over the OLD GENT’s face.

 

While the towel steams, GOLLANZ slowly strops the cut-throat razor with a rhythmic motion which falls in step with the ticking clock.

 

There is a sudden deafening whoosh, which neither of them seem to hear. GOLLANZ freezes. 

 

A beat.

 

There is a flash of blue light and a sound like a gunshot.

 

BLINI’s box of gold materializes in mid-air and drops to the floor with a loud crash.

 

The OLD GENT jumps at the sudden noise and whips the towel off his face to see the cause of the unexpected noise.

 

OLD GENT

What in tarnation was that?

 

GOLLANZ looks around as if he were seeing his surroundings for the first time.

 

 

 

GOLLANZ

Oh, nothing to worry about. Just some old box fell off a shelf.

 

GOLLANZ starts to strop the razor again, more uncertainly to begin with, like he was doing it for the first time, then faster and faster.

 

Satisfied, GOLLANZ turns and walks over to the still figure of the OLD GENT. We see the expression on GOLLANZ’s face. He looks as if he has never seen the store or the OLD GENT before. Cautiously, he lifts the white towel.

 

The OLD GENT lies back, relaxed, his Adam’s Apple jutting.

 

GOLLANZ feels the razor’s edge with his thumb.

 

A beat.

 

He slashes. We see a thin spurt of blood spray across the picture of Wild Bill Hickock on the tee-shirt. The OLD GENT gasps and gargles.

 

We see the gold casket as it is placed carefully on the wooden surround of the sink.

 

 

INT. HOSPITAL. PRIVATE ROOM. DAY.

 

EDMUND sleeps soundly. His cuts and bruises are colourful, but not serious.

 

His eyes flicker open and he studies the ceiling. He takes in the saline drip connected to his arm, the sensor pads stuck to his chest and the electrocardiograph machine pinging rhythmically beside the bed.

 

A fresh-faced young male DOCTOR in a white coat, followed by a NURSE, enter the room. EDMUND looks at them suspiciously.

 

DOCTOR

Good morning Dan, how are you feeling?

 

EDMUND

Why do you people insist on calling me that name? My name is EDMUND!

 

DOCTOR

No, it’s Dan. It says so on your driver’s licence. And you live at … let me see … Cedar Rock Ranch, Hibbottsville.

 

EDMUND

I do not. I am a Saxon, I live in a village in the forest. My sister was stolen by a pale wizard.

 

DOCTOR

(emits a low whistle)

Dan, I am Hibbotsville Memorial Hospital’s resident neurologist.   According to our records, you were born in this hospital, you broke your leg when you were eighteen … riding a horse apparently … and I have the X-rays to prove it.

 

The DOCTOR slides X-rays of a femur under a clip on a lightbox. He adds some more of a skull.

 

DOCTOR

This is the X-ray which was taken when you broke your leg, badly I may say. You had a metal pin inserted in the bone here. (Points). This is one of the X-rays we took when you were admitted two days ago.

 

They are the same. A metal pin can be seen clearly in both shots.

 

DOCTOR

As you can see they are identical.

 

EDMUND

What is this ... X-ray?

 

 

DOCTOR

Oh, come on, Dan. You may have suffered a memory disorder in the accident, but are you telling me you’ve lost your long-term memory too?

 

EDMUND

There is nothing wrong with my memory. One moment I was in my village, the next I am trapped in some metal wagon.

 

DOCTOR

(changing tack)

OK, look. Sometimes when a person suffers a severe blow to the head, combined with shock, it can play some pretty strange tricks on them. You may believe that what you say has really happened, but it’s just not possible. It’s as simple as that.

 

 

EDMUND

You may believe what you like, jailer. I know what is truth and what is not.

 

DOCTOR

I’m not your jailer, Dan. I’m here to help you and I guarantee you will see things much more clearly when the effects of this nasty concussion you received in the accident wear off.

 

NURSE

Doctor Lane is the best neurologist in the county, Dan. You couldn’t be in better hands. Now, why don’t you try to relax and get some rest?

 

A sudden clattering as a helicopter swoops overhead and starts to float down on the H on the grass outside the window.

 

EDMUND goes beserk.

 

He rips the tubes from his arm and shoots out of bed toward the window.

 

EDMUND

It’s coming for me! The dragon has found me! To arms, to arms!

 

DOCTOR

Nurse, raise the alarm and get me 5 milligrams of Thorazine.

 

The nurse hits the panic button and goes to get the sedative. EDMUND crashes against the window and bounces off the shatter-proof coating.

 

Undeterred, he grasps a chair and hurls it against the glass. It bounces off and hits the DOCTOR, who staggers back.

 

Beside himself with fear and adrenalin, EDMUND pushes the bed against the window, jumps up and uses an oxygen bottle as a hammer. The window finally gives away and bursts in a shower of sparkling shards.

 

A VOICE from behind him cuts through his crazy escape.

 

BLINI

EDMUND, what the hell are you doing?

 

EDMUND spins round and sees a familiar face. Emergency bells are ringing in the corridor.

 

BLINI stands in the doorway with a BUNCH OF FLOWERS in one hand and a copy of PLAYBOY in the other.

 

EDMUND

(totally shocked)

Blini! BLINI! Is that really you?

 

BLINI

(loud whisper)

Yes … and no. Now will you get down and stop wrecking the joint?

 

The nurse rushes back into the room brandishing a syringe, followed by two big male nurses. They take in the groaning doctor on the floor.

 

BLINI (cont)

Wait, wait. I’m his brother. He’ll be OK. He’s just upset.

 

DOCTOR

Upset? Upset! This man is dangerously disturbed. Sedate him nurse.

 

BLINI

Whoa, whoa. There’s no need for that. He’ll be OK, really. Just let me talk to him.

 

BLINI crunches purposefully through the broken glass.

 

BLINI

OK, Bro. Cool it for the nice doctor, OK? It’s alright, no one wants to hurt you here. They juu-u-u-st want to help you.

EDMUND

(wild)

But the dragon … ?

BLINI

It’s not a dragon, EDMUND. It’s a (slowly) h-e-l-i-c-o-p-t-e-r. It’s a machine.

 

EDMUND

It’s a dragon.

 

BLINI

Sure, sure. Whatever you say. Now will you just get down, so these nice people can clear up the mess.

 

EDMUND

Very well. Now, what are you doing here Blini? And where is your hump? (sniffs) And the smell?

 

 

 

 

1^ST MALE NURSE

(to 2^ND MALE NURSE)

Gee, I had no idea insanity ran in the Mayor’s family.

 

Blini gives him a drop dead look.

 

BLINI

(In EDMUND’s ear) Just shut it until I can get you out of here, Edmund. I’ll explain later. (Standing up.) Doc, I’m really sorry about this.

 

DOCTOR

No problem, Mayor. Your brother has suffered a tremendous shock and it may take some time for him to return to normality.

 

BLINI

Yeah, yeah. You are so right, doc. Apart from the bang on his head, is anything wrong with Eddie – I mean Dan?

 

DOCTOR

Apart from mild concussion, a few minor contusions, cuts, bruises … no he seems OK physically, although his mental state is another question entirely.

 

BLINI

So I could take him home now?

 

DOCTOR

Yes, you could. But I’d like him back in a week for a check up. And I want him to see someone if the delusions continue.

 

BLINI

Sure doc, anything you say. But don’t worry, I will take good care of him. Come on, Tarzan. We’re going shopping.

 

 

EXT. HIBBOTTSVILLE MAIN STREET. DAY.

 

BLINI hustles EDMUND along the sidewalk. EDMUND is goggling at other people, taking in their ALIEN DUDs.

 

He stops abruptly every few seconds to stare into the SHOP WINDOWS.

 

BLINI

Boy, was that close! You nearly blew my cover for good back there.

 

EDMUND

What is “blowing a cover”?

 

BLINI

Oh, Jesus! It’s going to be Twenty Questions with Birdman here from now until eternity.

 

EDMUND

You must explain what has happened to us, Blini. Where are we? Where is Tomasina?

 

 

BLINI

Will you hurry up for crying out loud! I don’t know where she is, or my gold for that matter, but it’s my theory one will lead us to the other.

 

Two OLD LADIES pass EDMUND and BLINI.

 

BLINI (cont)

Good day, Mrs Carling, Mrs Brent. How are you today?

 

MRS CARLING

Fine, fine, thank you. And how is our Mayor. 

 

BLINI

In excellent health, thank you.

 

MRS BRENT

And how is everything at the bank?

 

 

BLINI

Couldn’t be better!

 

MRS CARLING & MRS BRENT

SPENDID!

 

They wobble uncertainly on their way, tittering.

 

EDMUND

Why did they call you “Mayor”?

 

BLINI

Don’t sweat it. I’ll tell you later. Now where was I? Oh yeah, so the Pale Man wizard guy makes a clean getaway by jumping through the time warp. But when we followed him through the hole, we landed in other dudes bodies who look just like us. Except I found myself here, less the hump, a year earlier than you … are you getting this?

 

EDMUND

I – I think so.

 

 

INT. MR JAKES MENS’ OUTFITTERS. DAY

 

MR JAKES is an old-fashioned clothes shop with panels of wooden drawers right up to the ceiling. MR JAKES, an elderly gentleman, crouches behind the counter. He is deeply involved in a stock check. EDMUND is trying a stylish suit on for size. BLINI stands back to critically appraise the effect.

 

BLINI

I found myself in the body of this guy Jerry Horn who was on his way to start a new life here in Hibbottsville. No one knew him, so I just kinda felt my way. It was a break for you that I was on volunteer duty last night, otherwise you coulda done my reputation some real damage before I got to you.

 

 

EDMUND

Since when did you volunteer for anything?

 

BLINI

If you wanna get along you have to adapt.

 

EDMUND

How do I look?

 

The suit is sharp, tight and shiny.

 

BLINI

(disgusted)

Great, great. Like prehistoric man in a giant rubber! (To Mr Jakes who is still crouched behind the wooden counter.) OK Mr Jakes, we’ll take this one.

 

A face pops up behind the counter, except it’s not Mr Jakes, but MERLIN. He looks tired.

 

MERLIN

Hallo, boys. Phew! What a lot of trouble I’ve had finding you!

 

EDMUND

Merlin! How did you get here?

 

MERLIN

Same method the Pale Man employs, although I must say it isn’t getting any easier. Sorry I lost you, but I was struck on the head by a very unfriendly branch while I was attempting to follow you along Edmund’s ridiculous short cut. Now pay attention, I have something to say to you and I don’t want to stay here a minute longer than I have to. Time travel is very tiring.

 

BLINI

How can we find the Pale Man?

 

MERLIN

Tish, tish. First things first.

 

(MERLIN levitates over the counter and seats himself gently on top.)

MERLIN (CONT)

That evil rapscallion the Pale Man and I are aging at precisely the same rate. He wants to transfer his knowledge and power to young Tomasina and so do I.

 

EDMUND

You want my sister to become a wizard?

 

MERLIN

It’s her destiny. But it is a forked path, and she could take on the mantle of either good or evil. You must find her and bring her back to our own time where I can transfer my power to her before it is too late.

 

EDMUND

Too late for what?

 

MERLIN

I am going to die, Edmund.

 

 

BLINI

Hey, Merlin! What a bummer! I’m really sorry to hear that, man. But before you choke, can you tell us where this Pale Man creep is? He has something of mine I’d kinda like to get back.

 

EDMUND

Blini! How can you think about yourself at a time like this?

 

MERLIN

When bodies travel through time simultaneously from their place of origin, they must find a location which can provide a close match for all their physical forms, although the precise time the bodies arrive through the hole isn’t necessarily synchronous. This is an untransmutable fact of the space time continuum.

 

BLINI

Well, I’ll just have to take your word on that. Is that why I got here a year before Eddie? (Merlin nods.) So is the Pale Man here yet or not?

 

MERLIN

Yes, but he’s clever. He knows we’ll be looking and he’s disguised himself again. (Sighs wearily.) You must be on your guard at all times. I must go now.

 

EDMUND

Wait! How will we get back ourselves?

 

A bright point of glittering copper light appears behind the counter. It rapidly becomes a circle big enough for a man to pass through. We see the familiar forest of England with King Arthur’s Castle silhouetted on the skyline. MERLIN levitates from the counter and floats back into the hole.

 

MERLIN

You will find a way, fear not. Toodle-oo!

 

The hole shuts, leaving EDMUND and BLINI staring at a blank row of shelves.

 

BLINI

All this wizard-hunting stuff is making me hungry. Let’s eat.

 

 

INT. TOM’S DINER. DAY

 

EDMUND and BLINI are eating lunch. EDMUND awkwardly pokes his food around his plate. BLINI shows him how to use the knife and fork.

 

EDMUND

Why are you playing at being my big brother all of a sudden when you and I hated each other back home?

 

BLINI

Because, you dope on a rope, I want my gold and diamonds back and I need you to help me find the big creep who’s got them. Once they’re all safe and sound, it’ll be back to hating one another again - business as usual.

 

EDMUND

Oh … I see. Don’t you have any feelings whatsoever, Blini?

 

BLINI

(shoveling in food)

Sure I do.

 

EDMUND

Like what?

 

BLINI

Like hunger, greed, jealousy, horniness. That kind thing.

 

EDMUND

But what about compassion or love or trust?

 

BLINI

Ain’t much call for that in my line of work. Eat up, it’ll get cold.

 

EDMUND prods the food suspiciously. He looks depressed.

 

EDMUND

Do you think the Pale Man is here yet?

 

BLINI

Merl said he was, didn’t he. Look, we caught the same wave as him, so we’ll end up on the same beach.

 

EDMUND

What time is this anyway?

 

 

BLINI

(checks his watch)

Twelve after one.

 

EDMUND

What is twelve after one?

 

BLINI

It’s the time. The hour of the day – lunchtime, you know!

 

EDMUND

(confused)

Yes – er, no. I don’t know. I don’t understand what you mean by “time of day” or “hour”. I’ll never understand any of this!

 

BLINI

Sure you will. See, when the big hands on the two and the little hand’s on the –

 

EDMUND

I don’t mean the contraption of your wrist, I mean what age is this?

 

BLINI

Oh, right. Sorry. 2004.

 

EDMUND

2004! You mean we have moved over a thousand years through time?

 

BLINI

(brightening)

Hey, you said you didn’t understand math. Yeah, that’s right. A thousand years in the blink of a bat’s eye. Shoomm!! Gone!

 

EDMUND

(remembering)

Tomasina! My poor little sister! I’ve got to find her. But how … how?!! … (smashes his fist down on the table).

 

The ragged collection of DINERS peek with curiosity at the madman.

 

BLINI

EDMUND! … EDMUND! For Pete’s sake, take it easy! (To diners.) It’s OK everyone, he’s just sore he lost his job that’s all. Everything’s fine. Please go back to your lunches. (To EDMUND.) OK, look. Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’ve got the real Dan’s driver’s licence in your back pocket with his address on it. Let’s find his house and you can hang out there until we get this sorted out. Whaddy’a say?

 

EDMUND

OK, Blini. Just remember, we haven’t got much time.

 

 

INT. HIBBOTTSVILLE POLICE STATION. DAY.

 

TOMASINA is sitting amongst a line of ne’er do wells by the DUTY SERGEANT’s desk. She looks nervous. 

 

THE SERGEANT, who has an acute BOSS EYE, studies her with the good one, an expression of concern on his face.

 

SERGEANT

Just you sit tight and relax, Tomasina. Your big brother called in with your description a short while ago and said he would be down to pick you up any minute.

 

TOMASINA doesn’t reply but stares in fascination at the guns on the hips of the passing POLICE OFFICERS.

 

SIGMUND GOLLANZ appears through the main door and walks over to the DUTY SERGEANT who regards him with his unnerving cross eyes.

 

SERGEANT

Yes sir, what can I do for you?

 

GOLLANZ

My name is Gollanz. You have my daughter here.

 

SERGEANT

That’s right. (Leans forward to whisper in a confidential tone.) It’s none of my business, but I think your girl should maybe see someone.

 

GOLLANZ

What do you mean?

 

SERGEANT

When we found her wandering along the road outside town, she told the police officer who picked him up that she’d been kidnapped by a man who could turn himself into a dragon or something and that her big brother was a (spits the word out like a carpet tack) knight!!

 

GOLLANZ

She’s just got an active imagination. You know what young people are like. Still, I’m very relieved she’s safe. It’s just been the two of us since her mother died and she’s all I’ve got.

 

SERGEANT

Well, you should keep a closer (points to his own hopelessly crossed eye) eye on her. Geddit? Eye. Ha Ha. (Not a glimmer of reaction from GOLLANZ.) Right… well, anyways - she’s over there on the bench.

 

GOLLANZ turns and sees TOMASINA sitting huddled amongst the human debris on the bench. He walks toward her. TOMASINA doesn’t react. Under the curious gaze of the SERGEANT, GOLLANZ bends down to talk to TOMASINA who recoils instinctively.

 

 

GOLLANZ

(crowing)

Hello, Tomasina.

 

TOMASINA

How do you know my name?

 

GOLLANZ

I’m a friend of your brother. He sent me to collect you.

 

TOMASINA stares curiously at the pale, bearded face. With a start, she recognizes the features masked by the beard.

 

TOMASINA

I know who you are, you’re –

 

GOLLANZ

(quickly)

If you want to ever see your brother alive again, I’d advise you to come with me.

 

A beat.

 

TOMASINA

Very well. But if you’re lying, I’ll kill you.

 

GOLLANZ

I knew you’d see things my way. Come along.

 

GOLLANZ leads TOMASINA toward the door. He passes the DUTY SERGEANT.

 

SERGEANT

Seems this is creature week. Guy at the Memorial Hospital went apeshit when a Medivac helicopter landed. I heard he was seeing dragons too.

 

GOLLANZ

(slyly)

Really? Thank you for your help, sir.

 

SERGEANT

No problem. Glad to be of service.

 

 

EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE POLICE STATION. DAY

 

TOMASINA, followed by GOLLANZ, walks out of the police station and looks around.

 

TOMASINA

Where’s my brother?

 

GOLLANZ

He’s waiting for us at my house. Please get into the car.

 

GOLLANZ motions towards a black sedan with tinted windows parked at the kerb.

 

TOMASINA

Why should I trust you – a murderer and an evil wizard?

 

GOLLANZ

Because I’m all you’ve got right now. Please.

 

Reluctantly, TOMASINA gets into the front passenger seat. GOLLANZ nips smartly round to the driver’s side, gets in and we hear the solid thunk of the central locking.

 

 

INT. GOLLANZ’S CAR. DAY.

 

GOLLANZ starts up and pulls away. TOMASINA watches him, fascinated despite herself.

 

TOMASINA

Where are the horses?

 

GOLLANZ

It uses another kind of power. I can explain how it works to you later. I can explain a great number of things. Things you should know. Things you thirst to understand.

 

TOMASINA

I want nothing from a murderer. You are nothing more than the vermin King Arthur hangs from the ramparts of the castle.

 

GOLLANZ chops off a vicious snarl, replacing it with an insincere smile. His tone is patronizing in the extreme.

 

GOLLANZ

I know my little ways are hard to understand for someone as young as you, but I have no choice if I am to survive.

 

TOMASINA

What about the people of my village?

Did they have a choice?

 

GOLLANZ

(snaps)

They were mere mortals, peasants! (Checks himself.) I am a wizard, a time lord. I needed their souls as food. I am growing old. Someone must learn all my secrets from me. I need a successor, a daughter.

 

TOMASINA

You’ll get nothing from me.

 

They are leaving the town.

 

GOLLANZ

You have the gift. In your heart, you know this. You can feel it. You must use these powers or they will wither and die like a beautiful flower in the desert … We can be friends, you and I.

 

 

EXT. “DAN’S” HOUSE. DAY.

 

A surreal pink clapboard house sits at the bottom of a hill. Through the trees near the house is a lake with a boathouse beneath an ancient walnut tree. 

 

EDMUND is sitting on the porch wearing sunglasses, sipping a cool drink and listening to loud rock music from a ghetto blaster. He admires the voluminous BERMUDAS BLINI has loaned him.

 

The birds chatter happily. CRASH! BLINI emerges from a trap-door by the house brandishing a chain-saw. He stomps round to join EDMUND, grunting from the weight.

 

BLINI

I hope ya feelin’ better. Nice spread this guy’s got.

 

EDMUND

Much. These breeches are splendid.

 

BLINI

I got a little job for you to do. (Waves chain saw.) This is a chainsaw. It’s very noisy and very dangerous. You’ll love it.

 

EDMUND

What does it do?

 

BLINI

(turns down volume of music)

You use it for cutting down trees. It’ll go through a branch the size of a man’s waist in no time. Look, I’ll show ya!

 

BLINI bounces down the steps to the porch and waddles across the lawn followed by EDMUND. BLINI stops by the walnut tree and rests the saw in the natural ‘U’-shape of its trunk.

 

BLINI

This Dan guy has been neglecting his garden. This walnut tree is so rotten it’s a positive liability and we – or rather you – are going to fix it. If you’re gonna borrow the guy’s body off him, you should do something in return. OK, now pay attention. When I start the motor, these teeth travel round this band of metal here at high speed. If you squeeze this trigger, it goes faster and you cut quicker. Now what I want you to do is cut through this walnut tree as close to the ground as you can.

 

EDMUND

And you want it to fall towards the lake?

 

BLINI

Yeah. I figured you could do it as you know more about this kinda thing than me. Just watch out for the boathouse. There’s a twenty-five thousand dollar boat in there and I don’t want it turned into a catamaran. OK. Any questions?

 

EDMUND

(excited)

No, I’m ready.

 

BLINI

OK.

 

BLINI yanks the starter pulley a couple of times, but the motor just burbles then dies.

 

 

EDMUND

Here, let me try.

 

EDMUND tries the pulley and the engine roars into life first time. The volume startles him and he nearly drops the chainsaw. EDMUND “blips” the throttle experimentally, then beams at BLINI confidently.

 

BLINI waves and walks back to the porch. EDMUND begins to cut a V shape into the base of the tree on the uphill side of the tree, away from the boathouse.

 

BLINI settles down on the verandah with a copy of Time magazine and some candy in a bowl.

 

 

EXT. BY THE WALNUT TREE. DUSK.

 

EDMUND is over half-way through the trunk with the screaming chainsaw. There is a sudden movement. The walnut tree starts to tilt over, but it tilts the wrong way.

 

It falls in a lazy arc directly onto the boathouse, mashing the boathouse and the boat into little pieces.

 

EDMUND

Oops.

 

EDMUND turns to see BLINI running across the lawn screaming his head off over the buzz of the saw.

 

BLINI

You stupid asshole. What have you done to the guy’s boat? I thought you forest dwelling types knew what you were doing.

 

EDMUND looks sheepish.

 

EDMUND

I never said I knew how to cut down trees. I’m a ploughman, not a carpenter.

 

BLINI hurls the chainsaw into the lake in a rage.

 

 

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD. DAY

 

A MAIL TRUCK is parked by a mailbox. The MAILMAN empties the post out of the box into his sack. GOLLANZ’S car pulls up.

 

GOLLANZ

Excuse me, buddy?

 

The MAILMAN looks up.

 

MAILMAN

Yes sir?

 

GOLLANZ

Do you happen to know where Sigmund Gollanz lives? I’m on my way to see him but I lost his address.

 

MAILMAN

Sure, I know where lives. Cedar Rock. Back down this road two miles or so. Can’t miss it. The house is painted a real nauseous pink.

 

INT. “DAN’S HOUSE. DAY

 

EDMUND and BLINI inspect a numeric keypad next to a reinforced door.

 

BLINI

This guy is not exactly your average redneck. What would he want a high-security door like this for?

 

EDMUND

What’s this knobbly thing?

 

BLINI

It’s a keypad. You have to use some sort of code with it to get this door to open. Let me see if it’s anything simple like one, two, three.

 

BLINI punches a few random numbers into the keypad and pushes on the door. The camera pulls focus behind him to show GOLLANZ’s car rolling to a halt outside the front door.

 

BLINI and EDMUND are too preoccupied to notice the tall, threatening shape which slowly walks up the steps to the porch. The sound of keys rattling.

 

The effect on EDMUND and BLINI is like a gunshot. Their heads snap round and they slither silently over to the door and peek out through the lace curtains on either side.

 

Not recognizing the stranger outside, EDMUND yanks open the door.

 

EDMUND

Who the hell are you?

 

GOLLANZ

I live here. Who are you?

 

BLINI

There must be some mistake. My friend and I have taken this house as a holiday let.

 

GOLLANZ

You two have precisely five seconds to move your butts off my land. You’re trespassing.

 

EDMUND

It’s you who’s doing the trespassing. Leave immediately or I shall –

 

GOLLANZ bends down and collects a pile of mail scattered on the rug.

 

GOLLANZ

If this isn’t my house, let’s find out who it does belong to. Here, why don’t you read who they’re addressed to?

 

GOLLANZ shoves the letters into EDMUND’s chest. EDMUND glances down then passes the letters to BLINI.

 

EDMUND

I can’t read –

 

BLINI

-   them. He can’t read them because he’s … broken his reading glasses. Here you go.

 

BLINI looks at the first letter triumphantly, reads the name and almost chokes.

 

BLINI

(cont)

Sigmund Gollanz. Sigmund Gollanz and hey, whaddy’a know? - Sigmund Gollanz. You’re Sigmund Gollanz, right?

 

GOLLANZ nods.

 

 

INT. GOLLANZ’S CAR. DAY

 

TOMASINA’s pov. GOLLANZ stands in the open doorway with his back to TOMASINA. TOMASINA strains to see who GOLLANZ is talking to. GOLLANZ steps back slightly and the man in the shadow appears in the sunlight.

 

TOMASINA is astounded to see it is her brother. She flops back in the seat and sits like a statue, too stunned to move. Suddenly, she starts to function again and grabs for the door handle.

 

 

EXT. “DAN’S” PORCH. DAY

 

BLINI

So you see, Mister Gollanz, the real estate office must’ve meant to give us the address of the house next door and we ended up here by mistake.

 

BLINI starts to edge past GOLLANZ and indicates to EDMUND to follow.

 

BLINI

(cont)

We’re sorry for the mix up. Hey, it’s a real shame. Great place you have here. We were just getting to like it.

 

GOLLANZ

Just get going, you flakes, and don’t come back.

 

A muffled sound from the car.

 

EDMUND

What was that?

 

Unseen by the others, GOLLANZ passes his hand through the air. The muffled thumping stops abruptly.

 

EDMUND and BLINI walk past the car, puzzled. The black windows reveal nothing. EDMUND peers at his own reflection in the black glass.

 

 
AND HERE'S EXCERPT NUMBER TWO IF YOU HAVE GOT THIS FAR!